"I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives."
"It's odd, because I used to see pictures, on telly or wherever, of what I now know to be Shaftesbury Avenue and I used to wonder what that amazing street with all the lights was. Well, now I know. I think when you get a wee taste of something, it maybe isn't what you thought it was."
"This is the great thing about Northern Ireland. I walk down the street and people stop me and say things like, 'I know you. You're that wee golfer, aren't you?' I say, 'Yeah, that's me.' They say, 'Keep it up, wee man.' It's very funny and that's why I want to stay here as long as possible."
"What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself."
"Some of those more out-there jokes were written in the wee hours of the morning. Somehow, they remained funny the next day."